Self care seems to be a buzz word nowadays. Most people think that self care involves bubble baths and pedicures. The truth is that self care can be those things some times but often times it does not mean any of those things at all.
Self care has nothing to do with what you are actually doing but everything to do with the “why” you are doing it.
Let me first talk about the two ends of the same spectrum of what can be defined as self care and how they can be a problem.
In the first example, we have a mom that is busy taking care of her kids and the family needs. Maybe she is having a hard time finding quiet time for herself or even finding time for a shower. She feels guilty, overwhelmed because she knows that she should find some time to herself but genuinely cannot find the time or even have the energy to make that happen. If you have smaller children or multiple children, this is a very common scenario.
In a different example, we have a mom that might feel defeated. She might spend her time planning vacations, or shopping and getting manicures in order to avoid feeling overwhelmed or any type of negative emotion. She might even look to other things I call buffering, and keep overeating or bindge watching Netflix in order to avoid everything she does not want to tackle. Because somewhere in her mind, she thinks that if she just takes care of herself enough, the energy and the motivation will somehow appear for her to tackle things on her list.
If you do this, it’s ok. Seriously, I have been there as a busy mom of little kids as well. But the truth is, when you do any of the scenarios above you are only hurting yourself. You are not empowered to take action and live your fullest life.
Or maybe you are wandering the isles at Target because your baby fell asleep and you decide to buy that extra shirt and maybe some chocolate, because why not right? Maybe you start day dreaming of that vacation to Hawaii but then stop because you might have to actually leave your kids.
Both Right?
What if I was to tell you that both of those examples are two sides of the same coin. They are both self indulgence disguised as self care.
With the first example, the mom is indulging in her avoid the discomfort of putting herself before the kids. It might feel selfish or wrong or maybe it is based on fear that if you set one things down or delegate something to someone else it might all come crashing down.
The second example is generally indulging in behaviors that are buffering behaviors because she wants to avoid dealing with any of her life circumstances. She does not want to feel the negative emotions, she wants to just avoid the pain of it all and buy things instead. Definitely no judgment here, we all do these behaviors once in a while. It’s all part of our human experience.
The problem with this scenario is that the issue is not really being dealt with. We want to avoid the discomfort of paying the bills so we go out and buy a new outfit instead. It might feel great in the moment but in the end we are left with the original bill and even more charged on the credit card.
What about at the end of the night when you finally get your kids to sleep and then want to zone out in front of the TV with some ice cream? Then one show turns into a big fest and the ice cream becomes a pint. You start feeling sick the next day and maybe feel like you waisted valuable time when you could have been sleeping and getting rest for the next day.
If you are feeling negative emotions like disappointment or frustration, the way to take care of yourself is to allow the negative emotion. It is definitely NOT taking a bubble bath and feeling sorry for yourself.
What is Self Care then?
Self care cannot be about escaping our lives when things get hard. Instead, it is about creating the life you do not need to escape from.
Managing your mind around the unpaid bills. Not spending money on that dress and spending a little more towards a credit card debt instead can be self care. Going to sleep so your body can rest instead of watching Nexflix and binge watching shows will ultimately create a life you do not need to escape from.
From this point on, I really want you to think about if you are doing something to take care of yourself or just because you do not want to feel a negative emotion. True self care looks at your future and trades the short term discomfort for the long term gratification.
Final Note!
Ask yourself “what would I do in this situation if I respected myself?” and be a parent to yourself even when things are a little uncomfortable.
To put it simple, self care is not pleasuring yourself in exchange for feeling less discomfort. It is doing the hard things so that you live your life with integrity. Taking care of yourself from the inside is the most important work you can do. Choosing to take care of your is a life long journey that you will be so happy you went on. I promise.
If you are having trouble with self care and finding yourself being an angry mama most of the time, I invite you to get the FREE video mini training to get you from angry to calm.
Up next, watch the YouTube video on 5 best self care tips for moms.
