I’ll be honest, in some form or another, this questions always comes up from my clients. By a lot. People say things like:
“I wish my kids would just clean up”
“I wish they would just listen”
” I would love them more if they were just not so loud”
“They spend too much time on screens”
“I can’t trust them”
Do not get me wrong here, I am not saying that these aren’t areas that we want to look at and want different things. There is also other things to consider here like having them learn a certain skill you need them to do or learning respect.What I am trying to say is that every one of those statements are things that I have heard from mothers and each one is saying to some degree, “I need my child to change to some degree.”
We all want to believe that if only they would do X,Y, or Z… then our life would be great. Then I can be happy. Right?
Here’s the thing. Our brains are programmed to constantly be looking for a problem. It is a survival mechanism built into our brains to help keep us on the look out for possible threats and danger.
We are constantly looking out for things that are wrong, whether we mean to or not. Look at the last time you walked into a messy room. Have you noticed anything positive first or the negative? The negative is wired into our brains. It takes effort to look for the positive.
Which means, even if our kids were to change for the moment you want them to, you would still find something wrong. Your brain is a really powerful tool and has had millions of years of experience finding everything that is wrong with your environment, your relationships and yourself in order to survive.
As soon as you fix one problem, it will find another one to attach to.
I see this a lot when my kids are in a low mood and want to accomplish something that is just not working. One one my sons is mad for example and the conversation goes something like this:
“I really don’t want to do school”
“Well lets just divide the time up”
“No, Im too tired”
“Well lets take a break after the lesson”
“I don’t have a pencil”
“I have one right here”
“But I’m hungry”
Can you see how this is going? It didn’t matter that I could fix every problem, his brain was attuned to every little thing that is wrong with the situation, and there was always more to find.
This shows up in different relationships also.
With our spouses, when we just wish for them to help out more around the home. If they don’t they are doing something wrong, or they are not doing it the right way. Or they don’t do it right when I need it done. Or, maybe even having them complete something without even asking.
Can you see how this is kind of a no-win situation? There is always a problem to be found.
So how do we let go of this tendency?
The first step is really practicing the belief that your kids do not need to change in order for you to be happy. No person or circumstance really needs to change in order for you to be happy. Your kids don’t need to change anything for you to be happy. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t guide them or teach them what you see is valuable. It just means that your happiness does not rely on other people or external sources. Really.
After practicing this in my own life for a few years with my kiddos and relationships, I can now say that I believe that 100%.
Do I still have times when I wish that my kids would change or do something differently? Of course! But it has nothing to do with my happiness.
You know the best part? Now that my brain isn’t so busy trying to find things that are wrong with my kids, it is free to think about other, more productive problems to solve. Which makes life way more enjoyable.
So what is getting in the way of believing that your kids don’t need to change? Are you still having your own version of a mama tantrum when your kids do not do what you want them to? Consider the FREE mini training on how to attain more calm and peace.
I would love to hear about it and help you get to this place of finding real happiness, without your kids having to change.
