After a falling out between siblings, friends or even parents, many insist that children apologize. It is an all too familiar scene.
You hear a loud bang from the room. Followed by crying. You first thought is “here we go again” and you start to head into the room and act out of frustration and say “tell your brother you are sorry!”
“Soooorrryy” the answer comes out in a very sarcastic tone.
“That doesn’t sound like you mean it, say it again like you mean it,” you reply.
“I’m not sorry, I’m glad he’s sad” they reply back.
What! How dare they say that.
Our human brain
Why is it so hard to say those two little words? Well it goes back to those brains of ours. When we say we are sorry it usually means that we are admitting a mistake. I don’t know about you but my brain definitely does not like to make mistakes or admit when I’m wrong.
When we experience uncertainty we have a similar threat response in our bodies that is the same as though we are being chanced by a tiger. It’s the flight or flight response. So what we end up doing is put up our defenses and want to fight and prove that we are right, that we didn’t do anything wrong and that there’s nothing to apologize for.
This is why a lot of the times, we miss the deeper work when we get so focused on hearing those magic words “I’m sorry.”
“Apologizing doesn’t mean you’re wrong and that the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.” -Anonymous
Apologizing is really about repairing relationships.
But research on adult couples by John Gottman shows that when an adult feels forced to apologize to their partner before they are ready, it really doesn’t repair the relationship at all but creates the opposite and creates resentment.
There is no research on forcing kids to apologize but I know with my own kids when I ask them how they feel when a sibling gives an apology that is not genuine they often feel better in the moment but it doesn’t make them like the other person any better. Or they hate apologizing cause it makes them dislike the sibling even more.
It almost seems like forcing our kids to apologize creates the opposite effect that we are going for and does not teach them the lessons that we want them to learn. Rather than forcing your child to apologize next time they do something try these tips:
Be a role model
Some parents never apologize to their kids because they think its a sign of weakness. Or that they will loose their authority by admitting they were wrong. But I believe that the opposite is true. I think a genuine apology increases trust and connection, which helps to build authority and influence. This means apologizing when you mess up, taking responsibility and making it right.
How else would our kids ever feel safe enough to admit their own short comings and learn from them? Consider apologizing to your kids any time you behave in a way that you wouldn’t want them to behave. Especially when they call you out on it.
Try to not add “but, if you would just…I wouldn’t have to…”
Or the famous “Im sorry I yelled but I had a bad day at work.”
Try to see the situation from their point of view. If it’s important to them, make an effort to apologize and validate their feelings.
“I know how important that trip was for you and I broke my promise. I am so sorry, I know how disappointed you were.”
What I see a lot of parents do, myself included, is to make kids say they are sorry, instead of making their kids feel sorry so that an apology comes from a genuine desire to make amends. Remember that feelings drive behavior. When kids emotions are fear, anger or resentment that is driving them then it is really hard for them to show remorse.
The brain is in the fight or flight mode and needs time to calm down so that the more logical part of the brain can start working. Often times, when we force our kids to apologize immediately, the feelings of shame and anger increase. We want our kids to feel sorry, not just say they are.
Helping them apologize to others
Wait until the anger has gone. If they think they are in trouble and you ask them what happened they are most likely going to reply with an “I don’t know what happened.” Instead of trying to get an apology help them feel like a hero as someone who makes things better.
Instead of saying “you hurt that boys feelings”
Try saying “that boys feelings were hurt when you said that“
We want our kids to realize that everyone is responsible for their own thoughts and feelings and that they don’t have the power to make anyone feel anything.
Then you can say something like
“I wonder what he was thinking when you said that to have his feelings get hurt?Can you see how he would think that? What can you say or do in order to make things better?”
Ideas for repair
If your child does not know how to make things better you can suggest:
- Write a letter
- Give a big hug
- Draw a picture
- Play a game that the other person wants to play
- Repair a broken toy
Remember to not assign a consequence as to pay off his debt but instead empowering them to see themselves as a generous person who can make things better.
If you find yourself reacting instead of responding in your parenting, I invite you to watch this FREE mini training on how to be a calm mom and start thriving.
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