Why do we compare ourselves to other people? We all do this as moms from time to time. We even end up judging ourselves when we compare ourselves and our lives to others. First off, know that, comparing yourself to other moms is a very human thing to do. There is nothing wrong with you when you find yourself comparing yourself to others. Back in the old days it served us well for survival. Comparing someones strength to another to see who will be the hunter. Or even women working together and comparing skill to sustain a village.
Where we get into trouble is when we take the facts of a certain circumstance and make it mean that we are better off or worse than someone else. Comparison is “A consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.” (1) These similarities and dissimilarities are just facts, which really is a good thing because that means that they are completely neutral. They really cannot effect you until you give meaning to them.
If you are planning out your meals for your family and another mom is also planning out a meal for her family and they both share it with each other, one mom can have the thought that she is doing it wrong. There was nothing wrong to begin with but it is her thought “I must be doing something wrong” that makes the difference in a very neutral circumstance.
Instead of looking at the differences between what other people are doing and thinking “that is so interesting that we do things so different,” we go and compare ourselves to other moms and make it mean something about us.
Take social media as another place where we go and compare ourselves to other moms. It is a place where the best stuff is posted by others. They have their highlight reel of their home renovation projects, homeschooling projects and cooked from scratch meals. What do we make that mean about us? What thoughts do we have that make us compare ourselves to others?
From the time that our children are born, we compare ourselves and our kids to others. We compare how old our kids are when they took their first steps, to their first words and how much they eat, how long their sleep, if we bottle feed or breasted. The list goes on and on.
When you take a pen and write it all out on paper to see where you are comparing your life with others, you might see why you are feeling so stressed and inadequate. See what you are choosing to think about yourself and your life. In the end, it is a choice and you must first become aware of what you are thinking.
We can look at other people and choose to think thoughts that will bring our lives down or we can choose to think thoughts that will bring other people up.
What if you start choosing to think of differences between yourself and others in ways that support you. There really is no right or wrong way to do this parenting job, even if we do think others are doing it better.
You can choose to look at another mother and have it bring you up instead of beating yourself up and make it mean you are doing it wrong. When you can believe that no one is really better or worse than another person, or that life is not supposed to look like anyone else’s, then you can appreciate your differences.
The way that you brain works, it is wired to look for what is wrong, so it can protect you. Just walk into a messy room, what is the first thing you notice? The mess. The first step is to always become the watcher of your thoughts. Then you will be able to stop and question those thoughts and choose your thoughts on purpose.
How do I want to think about myself?
What thoughts will help me in this situation?
You can start by writing down what you think about yourself compared to other people. This process will reveal to you all of your thoughts. Then ask yourself if those thoughts are serving you and see if you can come up with some that will.
If you are having trouble with your own mindset and want to find out ways to stop the mama drama, I invite you to take a look at the free training I have to stop the mama meltdowns.
Click here to access the training.
What’s next? Watch the Youtube video on the 5 steps to stop judging.
