Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you said “yes” but you REALLY meant to say “no”? It happens all the time, sometimes even people assuming that it is this normal thing we do as humans. But you can say no when you really do not like your reasons for saying “yes” without even people hating you.
“You are mean mama!”
My oldest son tells me without any sort of emotion behind it. He said it like he was stating a fact or reporting the weather. Like it was some fact that everyone just knew.
He had wanted to go to the store and buy a toy car, to which I said no. He wanted to go get a new fish and I said no. He wanted to eat ice cream and I said no. From his point of view, I can honestly see why he would see me as the “mean mom.”
If you think about it, we really rarely like hearing the word no ourselves. But I did have real adult legitimate reasons for saying no to all of his requests. He already has all the toy cars that he needs (and more), we didn’t need another fish in our full fish tank and I honestly did not want to deal with a child that is hyped up on sugar and dealing with a crash later. But it still hurt a little.
Saying no to a child is one things and saying no to adults is completely different, right? Or is it?
We want to make things more complicated then they have to be. The whole “they might think I am mean or I am this way or that way” factor can have a lot more weight. So here are some tips for you on saying NO, to adults, and hopefully not getting called a meanie.
Say yes when you can
This requires some brainstorming on your part and also some awareness. What you are willing to do is different than what I am willing to do. Make a point to say yes when you can. This will make your no, when it does come, a little less intense.
If you are always volunteering within your community, your friends will know that you are willing to volunteer because you are always saying yes. And when you say no, they will likely assume that you have a good reason and end up giving you the benefit of the doubt.
Tell the truth
I know that we have all been in situations where you have said yes to something but end up feeling resentful in the end because it will throw everything off schedule or your plan. Then you end up getting mad or grumpy and your kids or spouse because you did not have the time to show up for them in a way that you want. All because of some obligation. Sounds familiar?
When you are saying yes to something but you really cannot show up 100% for it, you are being dishonest. The person that is asking you for the request wants you to be at your best. But you cannot give your best because you are rolling around in resentment. So be honest. Honesty is always best, even if it is a little uncomfortable. You allowing yourself to feel a little uncomfortable now so you can avoid a lot of uncomfortable for you and everyone around you later. Strive for being honest and authentic.
Showing up in relationships from a place of honestly and authenticity builds a foundation of trust.
When someone trusts you, even when they do not like your answer, they will most likely give you the benefit of the doubt. They will probably assume that you are saying no for a good reason.
Be honest when you say yes and be honest when you say no. This is hard to do because we want to somehow minimize or excuse our no’s. Showing up with honesty will grow the relationship into a deeper and more trusted place. Who doesn’t want more meaningful relationships in their lives?
Don’t take it personally
If you know my work then you know that I will say that other peoples opinions and thoughts are not about you. We cannot control how other people are doing to react to anything that we say or do. Your mother-in-law may take it personally that you told her to stop coming over the house so often. She has that choice.
But you also have a choice and it doesn’t mean anything about you. All it means, is that she is disappointed. That what you said is her own circumstance and her own thoughts about it. That’s all. That is such good news!
Our brains want to tell us that if someone is disappointed then it is because of something that we said or did. Thats is even how we were raised right? Maybe we think that there is something wrong with us or that we did or said something wrong. But that is farther than the truth. It does not mean that we have to be mean about it, but know that if what someone said hurt others and not their thoughts about them then everyone would be upset about the same things. They would be hurt by the same words.
All it means is that you were honest it doesn’t fit with their ideas on how it should be. You do not have to make it mean any more than that.
“I love you but…”
Can you tell the other person that you love them but…no? This one helps especially well with my husband. There are times when I need to tell my honey no. I am sure that you have times that you have to tell your hubby no.
Our home has an office which we both share. His work is very flexible and he does his work at home also. I love it when he does work from home because he can help with all sorts of things on the kid front.
But sometimes we run into issues because we both want to use the office and the office desk. Sometimes I am totally ok with him working in the office because I am dealing with homeschooling. No big deal. But sometimes I really need the office and the desk. The conversations usually go like this:
Hey I’m using the office today.
I love you and I love that you are home today but no I really need to film in here today and do a call. What can we do?
He usually responds with “ok ill just go to the living room” or ” ok, ill just go to the office.”
In either situation, I am ok and he is ok. It doesn’t mean anything about him or me or our relationship. And it really is not anything personal. It is just a desk and an office. That’s it. I doesn’t mean that I am choosing my own comfort over his or that I love my work and the dest more than I love him. It is just figuring things out. We both have our needs and we figure out a way for both our needs to be met.
So if you ever needed permission to say no to something, you got it! Go out into this world and start being authentic. See yes if you can and if you can get yourself to a place of love. Don’t take things personally when people do not react like you think they should. You will be showing up with integrity and honesty which is the best feeling of all.
If you have trouble saying no and getting to that place, I invite you to schedule your free mini session where we break down this process in your own life and get you living from honesty.
Now that you know how to say no, is there ever a reason why you should say yes? Watch the Youtube video to see when I think you should consider saying yes.
