The relationship triangle. In every great story there is one. There is always a victim, a villain, and a hero. I always loved reading these great stories especially on a lazy afternoon. As a coach, I find such relevance in the stories that I used to devour as a child. Every story has to have an opposition, or gets pretty boring fast. Right? No one really wants to read a story where every one is doing wonderful and there are no issues to solve. There is always challenges and the hero of the story has to overcome them.
In movies and books, we all know that every story has a good villain. Darth Vader, the Evil Queen in Snow White or Ursula. In fairy tales a villain is pretty easy to spot. The villain in those fairy tales has no goodness in them. The qualities are always very black or white. Easy to spot. Sometimes, I want to just yell at the hero for not noticing that villain for who they really are. All the mess could have been avoided.
In the end, as we all know, the hero wins. The villain is defeated and the good conquers evil. The hero might have learned some lessons in the end. They come out to be a whole different person.
Our life is really our own story. We are living out all the different chapters of our lives. Having our own set of difficulties along the way, we learn to evolve and grow as we face obstacles. Hoping, for the most part, become a better version of ourselves.
If you notice though, we tend to create our own villains for our story. But our story is not like the fairy tales, where things are black or white. No one in the story (including you) is all good or all evil. Chances are that maybe at some point or another, you might end up being the villain in someone else’s story!
But ask yourself…who is the villain of your story today?
For the longest time, the villains in my story changed between my husband or my kids. I thought that they were keeping me from being the kind of mom or white or person that I wanted to be. I had this vision of the way that I though my life should be like. We all know, the fairy tale. Somehow, at some point or another, we fall for that fairy tale belief that there is a happily ever after.
But my family was not playing the game. My husband was not interested in being Prince Charming, and my kids were not interested in fulfilling the manual I had for them. So all too many times, I turned them into the villains.
This created so many problems for me in my life.
First off, I saw myself as the vicim in the story. This wasn’t what I had signed up for. It was not the way that I intended our life to be. They were keeping me from my happily ever after.
When I was playing the victim, it was impossible to see any sort of solution besides them needing to change. I felt so out of control.
It also made it impossible for my marriage to be a partnership. I was forcing him to fulfill my entire load of my own dreams and expectations. But then, of course he couldn’t carry the load and what happened? Villain status confirmed right?
Maybe the villain in your story is your mother in law. Maybe your job. Or motherhood in general.
The thing is, unlike the fairy tales, it is never clearly black and white. All those circumstances are both good and evil, right and wrong.
The good part here is that in your own story, you get to decide if your job or husband, or kids are actually the villains.
As yourself what purpose does it serve to have them be the villains? Is it really helping you to become the hero that you want to be in the end of the journey? How would things look differently if you saw them as an ally who are sometimes not perfect? Who are being very human sometimes, just like you.
I learned in the process of playing the victim role, that in the end, I was not taking responsibility for my own dreams. My own happy ending. That created a lot of resentment for my own circumstances. I had become my own villain.
Once I learned about the work that I teach my clients, I decided that I was not going to make my husband or my kids be the villains in my story. When they don’t show up the way that I want them to (which they often times don’t) I would redirect my mind. Redirect it to something more useful and see them as having their own free will in life.
This mindset shift helps me to maintain curiosity and compassion rather than judgment. I get to assume that they are trying to work in the best interest of our team at home, even if I am having a hard time seeing it. It helps me trust more and judge less.
Shifting my mind helps to create a new story where we are all working together and tackling challenges as they come our way. It all came down to a decision. Their actions did not have to change at all.
If you are not satisfied with the story that you are creating in your life, I invite you to check out the FREE relationship training to get you from unstuck and back into thriving.
What’s next? What if you are STUCK in that victim mentality? Or know someone that is? Maybe you don’t want to discourage victim mentality with your kids.
Watch the video to see the 3 steps you need to step out of that mentality.
