Do you ever find yourself in this negative state? Maybe you don’t even notice it but know that you want to get out. Maybe you are in this low-grade negativity. Being negative can become a big habit. And once your mind is used to being negative it takes awareness to bring that habit up and move on from it.
So I want to give you some tips today to pull yourself out of negativity when it comes to the small, everyday stuff you might be experiencing in your motherhood.
Let’s start with the biggest mistake I see mothers make…
Jump Straight to the Positive
I see this a lot with women, especially when they are first beginning this work. They don’t want to feel the negative and want to feel he positive emotions so they want to disregard the negative emotion.
This seems like a good idea, right? It is saying “Ok, I feel negative and I don’t want to feel negative but I want to feel positive.”
A good example of this is when your kids are being loud and creating havoc during breakfast and you try to jump to feeling calm and peaceful.
The problem is that it’s too big of a jump.
It’s going from a really negative place to a really positive place and you’re doing it in a rush. And that is a really big clue to be on to yourself. You’re judging yourself for being negative, so you want to jump to being positive.
This is really you resisting feeling negative instead of allowing it. You are trying to force the new thoughts that you don’t believe.
Depending on how long you have been reading this blog, you may or may not know that you never should practice thinking thoughts that you don’t believe. This is why affirmations don’t work.
The problem with this is that you don’t believe the new thought, so the old thought just keep creeping up and the negativity comes back.
Here is the thing…you can create more discomfort and negativity when you are trying to talk yourself out of pain.
This is how you can know and check in with yourself to see if you are doing this work effectively or now. Are you constantly in negativity? Are you obsessed with having problems? Would your top three emotions that you are feeling on a regular basis be pretty negative?
If so, then that’s a clue to yourself that you have to do some work first.
So what can you do instead?
Go Neutral
Instead of jumping straight from negative to positive and being in a rush to feel better, go to neural.
You go into neutral by not really paying attention to the negative and not really paying attention to the positive either. And the way you do this is to focus solely on the present moment and circumstance without your thoughts.
Have I lost you? Does this sound weird and borders on the side of meditating? It is a way of being mindful of just the circumstances. Focusing on only the facts in the present moment.
You release the words in your head. You clear out your thoughts. You let them pass through.
Just stay with curiosity and compassion. Notice your circumstances without thoughts and without words.
What is it like to genuinely experience and rest in the circumstances?
What if your baby is using their vocal chords in a high pitch?
Spilled milk.
Steam from oatmeal.
At first, this may be hard for you to do. Like anything, it takes practice.
Just to simply drop to a place where there is no judgement and just noticing the facts of the circumstance.
The result of letting go of the words is that you let go of all the negativity.
The separating starts to happen from you and your thoughts and therefore, your feelings. So instead of jumping from a thought that is causing the negative emotion to a thought that is going to cause the positive emotion, what you do instead his to let go of the thought creating the negative emotion.
It is never the loud breakfast, or the spilled milk or the kids standing on the table that is causing the negative emotion. It is never what we are blaming that is causing the pain.
It is not my kids being sick and up all night that is creating my irritation. It is my thought that this shouldn’t be happening thats creating the irritation.
It’s it not that I didn’t get invited to spend time with a mom group I really wanted to go to that is causing the disappointment. It is my thought that I wish I’d been invited thats creating the disappointment.
It is not how my mother in law communicated with me that makes me mad. It is the thought that I want her to communicate differently and when she doesn’t, I feel mad.
It is always my interpretation of the neutral circumstances that cause my pain.
When I can be present with the way it is, I am at such great peace. I pull myself out of negativity and just be there in a neutral space. This is the space where you can rest before choosing your reaction.
You can do this work with any circumstance in your life.
Just so you know, just because I am constantly doing this work also, that it really is never complete. There is always more growth to do. There is always a level that is deeper. As my own life changes and the circumstances change, I have different thoughts about them. I still create negative emotions. I continue to do this work.
When you coach yourself and you get coached, you begin to see that space that you can move to that creates a more neutral emotion. It’s letting go of that thought that’s creating the negative emotion, instead of creating a positive thought.
It’s always your thoughts or your interpretation of the circumstances, which are just sentences running thought your head that are causing the negative emotion.
This only works if you truly see that your thoughts create your feelings.
A great analogy for you if you are just starting with this work is if you think of 100 people experiencing the same circumstance and remind yourself that each person would feel different levels of a certain emotion.
Now let’s talk about why this works.
Why this works
Shifting to neutral works because you remove the cause of your emotional pain.
Because the cause of your pain is always a thought. When you remove and release it the pain releases and you pull yourself out of negativity.
Life changing.
Let me just tell you that this is not an easy task. Because your mind will always want to go to a place that is comfortable and knows the pattern of your reactions.
When you keep pushing for a positive thought, what happens is that there is this push an pull relationship.
Sort of like a rope where one side is positive and one side is negative. You keep going back and forth. The negative thought keeps popping up because you are trying to resist in and push the positive thought on top of it.
The tension remains there.
The more you pull back and forth, the more tension there will be. But once you put the rope down (your negative thought) the tension is released.
From sitting in the neutral and noticing what is without arguing with reality, then you can move forward.
I still do this even for the little things.
When things in my life don’t turn out the way I would have wanted them to, I remind myself “this is exactly how it is supposed to be.”
You can do this no matter what is going on.
Once you are in neutral, you can genuinely move forward.
But don’t stay there
Getting yourself into neutral is useful because it tends to put you out of negativity.
But by no means am I saying to stay there.
Neutral is a place where you get yourself out of pain, the middle path to pass through.
I am a huge believer in the act of loving what is and balancing that with being present. I also believe in creating and producing what you want to be producing through setting goals and taking action.
I think that you been both.
I personally do not want to sit and be in neutral my entire life. I want to grow and invite the discomfort that comes with that growth.
Some people disagree and think that staying in the present moment is all there is to do. This works if you want to exist without doing anything else in your life. You can still also stay present and be able to set goals and reach them. You can decide on which you prefer for yourself.
For me, being in neutral is just a stepping stone to where I want to go and get to my new results. It definitely serves it’s purpose but I think our human experience is range of all the emotions. So decide for yourself what you want, but be aware of the process.
So really, the truth is that to get yourself out of negativity you really do anything except to let go.
When you let go, you release the words causing the emotional pain.
And from there, that neutral place, you can choose to create whatever thoughts and emotions you want. Whatever makes something negative of positive is your interpretation of it. I like to remind myself from time to time, especially in circumstances that seem to get me going in a real negative loop…it was always supposed to happen this way.
Start being aware. It is easier to become aware of the negative thoughts especially when you pay attention to your body. The more aware you become of those negative thoughts, the more prepared you will be to move through it, rather than letting it take you down.
If you are having a hard time with anxiety and need to know how to feel better right away, I invite you to get the free course on how to handle anxiety.
Click here to access the course.
Up next… Watch the video on how to create more inner peace in your life.
