Empathy is the ability to identify with another person’s feelings by imagining that you are in the situation that they are experiencing. And this takes practice. It is not something that comes naturally to us, especially with our kids. Think of empathy as finding a feeling in your child is saying or experiencing. If you are seeing that your child is angry, you can say ” You are so mad that your brother hit you!” When you respond with empathy you help your child put their feelings into words and have them see that you understand.
Very often parents want to be right, rather than showing compassion for what their child is going through. This sets up a power struggle or a parent vs. child dynamic. But the opposite is true when a parent uses empathy. The child will feel more connected to the parent because they will feel like they are understood. Unfortunately empathy is not a quick fix and a lot of the time will not stop the tantrum. Putting a word on a feeling will not stop your child from feeling the feeling.
Often times when parents express empathy, children are less defensive because they no longer feel like they have to protect their right to feel upset. They become open to learning different ways to manage their feelings and are more likely to accept limits and consequences.
Be Present
Its easy to try to find the right words to your child in stead of walking them through the negative emotion. If you are new to empathy using this tool might feel a little weird at first. But try putting yourself in your kids shoes and imagining being them in the moment.
“It’s is so hard when we have to share our toys”
“I bet you were frustrated when little Johnny took your toy away.”
“Oh wow, I can see how that might be disappointing because you can’t go to your friends house”
Be Calm
When your child is in the fight or flight mode, it is hard for them to listen to anything and have a positive reply. You might need to hold the space for their emotions running high and do your own inner work in order to not loose your cool. They are not ready to receive or process information, so instead of talking show your support by helping them feel safe.
“I am here, you are safe”
“You can handle this feeling, I am here”
“It is ok to feeling this way, its ok to cry”
Connect
Once you identify the emotion to your child, most likely they will explode even more. Using empathy does not mean that the emotion goes away faster. It also does not take away what your child is feeling. Do not expect you saying the feeling out loud to bring relief. Your child will need help to deal with these emotions that you have just identified. This is where your own emotional regulation is important. It might take them a while to process those emotions. Sometimes, children have drawn out emotions. If you have guessed the emotion right they might take up to 20 min to fully process it. That might seem like a long time to help a child especially when you have other kids or things to do. This is where your own thought work is important and know that maybe this might take a while and thats ok.
“Let’s count to 20 together”
“Take a deep breath with me”
“I see that you are upset. Jump up and down to get those feelings out”
“Ok you are letting me know that you are angry”
Some parents that I talk to say that they have trouble expressing empathy without having to fix the problem, offer solutions, or make their kids happy. Solving the problem that is happening is not the goal here. Connecting is the goal. Why is connection such a big deal? Because having a connected relationship with your kids is the key to creating meaningful and lasting relationships with your kids.
Being insincere
It’s easy to say things like “I know that you are disappointed” or “That must make you angry” and also sound insincere, especially when you add the word “but” after saying it.
“I understand how frustrating that is for you that you didn’t get to go to the basketball game BUT its really not the end of the world”
“You must be really upset BUT maybe you will remember to call ahead of time”
Those are easy to use and can be automatic but they cast blame and dismiss the child’s feelings. Those responses are actually a way to get your child to see your perspective, not you seeing theirs. Your child will most likely see your point of view after they feel head and understood.
If you feel like you are not able to use empathy the way you want and find yourself reacting more than responding, I invite you to watch the FREE 8 min video mini training on how to stop your own mama tantrums so you can show up as the mom you want to be to your children.
What’s next…? Watch the Youtube video on 5 easy steps to take when empathy DOES NOT work and what you can do in the moment.
