Do you find yourself fighting with your spouse over the same things over and over again? What if you do not even remember what you were fighting with your spouse about but just know that you keep fighting? You know the dance very well.
You bring up what you are frustrated about in what you think is a very gentle way, but then your spouse gets defensive. Maybe they even start to tell you all the reasons why you were wrong or maybe that he would try to do better next time. But then in reality, nothing really seems to change and it feels like you are both stuck in this dance. With just problems and no solutions in sight.
I remember all too well looking at my hubby and thinking that he does not understand me and maybe I do not even understand him. I had no idea how to fix that. So today I want to share with you things that have helped me get out of a ditch and start having intentional conversations that are more meaningful and productive.
Honesty
This definetly sounds easy but in reality it is not. When you commit yourself to being honest with your spouse, then you are committing yourself to saying things that might be hard to say. Sometimes they may sound like things that are hurtful or sound mean. This also puts you in a situation on hearing those things yourself.
Being committed to honesty means that you are also honest with yourself. It means that you do your own work behind your state of mind and your motives behind what you are bringing to the table and owning it.
You may complain that your husband never takes out those trash bins. Being honest would mean that you realistically look at the complaint and ask yourself if that is 100% true. Does he really NEVER take out the trash bins? Has he ever said that he is not willing to take out the trash bins? When was a time that he did take out the trash bins?
After questioning those thoughts, look at your motives. Why is it a problem that he doesn’t take out the trash bins? Why would it feel better for you if he did take out the trash bins? Is there a need that you are looking for him to fill? What if you are overwhelmed by all the housework that is in your lap, and the solution that you see is that he will just take out the trash bins.
Getting honest with ourselves and taking a look at our motives can help us get out of the drama that we so easily fall into over an issue. We can start having honest conversations without the blame or the criticism. The issue that we are fighting about becomes a problem that both people can work together on in solving instead of it being a character flaw.
Resentment
I used to be the master at resentment.
I would spend weeks or eve months dwelling on an issue, trying to convince myself that it wasn’t a big deal or that I shouldn’t be feeling a certain way. Then out of the blue, my hubby would wake up one morning and all the resentment and frustration in me would have already be build up. He would say something that would set me off and BAM! All those months of resentment and frustration would come out in anger and conversations with tears that he never saw coming.
My husband would look at me stunned and never even be able to get a word in. There was no way to talk about solutions to the problems in those moments. Learning from my mistakes, resentment leads to nowhere.
Instead, make a note of what you want to talk about before the explosion happens. Like your reasons for it. Commit to honesty and tell him about it. It might look something like:
“Hey hun, I have something I’d like to talk to you about thats been on my mind lately, maybe when the kids are in bed. Can we do that tonight? or is tomorrow better?”
This gives you both some time to prepare emotionally. For you to coach yourself. You are planning a time and place that will most likely lead you to success. And from the very beginning, you are showing your spouse that you are valuing his time, opinion and input.
One at a Time
It is very tempting to dish out all the issues that you have strong emotions about all at once. Especially when you have your spouses attention and time. We tend to start to pile up problems when we are having conversations where emotions are high. Maybe you are familiar with this one:
“Why can’t you just help out with the clean up more?”
“Sure maybe if you just stop attacking me!”
“Well I’m only attacking you because you never help!”
“Well I am tired and do a lot already. Why can’t you just appreciate what I do already for our family? I deserve to have some time to relax!”
And now instead of one problem we have a pile up of problems.
- you are overwhelmed
- he doesn’t help around the house
- you complain
- he doesn’t listen when you talk
- he’s tired and not being appreciated
One problem can be solved fairly easy in a conversation. We end up overwhelming ourselves with all the problems that we put in front of ourselves. Then we begin to feel hopeless and end up feeling stuck as if things are just never going to get better and then give up.
So pick only ONE issue and each take turns expressing your thoughts and feelings about them. All from a calm state, you both can come up with some solutions together. Commit to only talking about one issue. Set that expectation in the beginning of the conversation.
Start to implement these three strategies consistently. You will soon see that you will start finding solutions to any problems that come up in your marriage and family.
With that being said, I know that it is very difficult to change a habit. If you have been in a pattern of being in resentment or fighting a lot with your spouse, I invite you to consider a FREE relationship training where I show you how to get unstuck and move forward.
