When it comes to parenting and motherhood, judgement can really be taken up a few notches. I know that when I stared out a a new mom I was constantly judging other moms and how they parented, thinking my own idea of not giving my kids sugar was the better choice. Most people would not raise their hand and admit that they judge others, but the truth is that we all do it.
What I noticed is that the more curious I get at examining my judgmental thoughts, the better I am able to understand myself and ultimately work on turning them around.
This is the most rewarding coaching you can do because it will require you to look at some of the thoughts that you might not be so proud of.
As humans we have survived for this long partly because of our ability to judge. When we meet a new person we want to figure out very quickly if that person is going to help us or hurt us. Our minds are always making judgements based on our past experiences. Judging helps us to make swift decisions and then move on. It does serve us, just like other emotions that we have, the trouble we get into is when we take judgement and use it for something that it was not intended to be used for.
Judgement becomes a problem when it goes unexamined and when we believe that all of our judgements are facts.
Judging another person does not define who they are, but it does define who we are. When we end up judging other people, it says way more about our own thoughts and patterns than about the other person. Judgements are just opinions, which are thoughts. And these thoughts are usually very black or white.
Putting ourselves in these black and white thoughts leaves no room for anyone being human, making mistakes or even being able to make their own choices. But it is very common for us to look at the bad before seeing the good right? When you walk into a room for example that is full of clothes on the floor your automatic thought is probably not a happy one. You see what is wrong first.
Focusing on other people flaws can prevent us from looking at our own flaws also.
If you are not confident in how you show up as a mom, is it a lot easier to examine someone else parenting then your own.
Noticing other peoples imperfections is always way easier that noticing your own.
“Man I’m sure glad I don’t allow that much candy for my kids.”
“That mom sure can’t control herself.”
“I would never allow that much screen time for my kids.”
Even if the idea that you judge others is hard to hear, you will be able to learn so much about yourself if you open your heart and start asking yourself:
- What judgements do you have about what type of discipline other parents use?
- What about what they allow their kids to do?
- What about your own kids and what you judge as good or bad?
- What frustrates or annoys you about another person?
- What do you believe that others are doing that you think is wrong?
- What labels do you put on people when they act a certain way?
I like to look at judging as this buffer that we tend to not notice at times. It creates this dopamine hit having us feeling a little better about ourselves and then becomes a habit that we have to become aware of in order to break free from it.
It is not just with parenting that you can find yourself in judgement land. It could be about anything. A lot of the time what we are judging the other person for, we can find that we need to address with ourselves also.
One time I was judging another person about how ungrateful they were, but then when I did my own coaching on it, I saw that I was the one that was still learning to practice being grateful. As soon as I stop shaming myself and let go of the judgment, I become more compassionate and them am able to be more compassionate with others.
The more you have your own back and are compassionate with your own choices, the more compassionate you will be with other peoples choices.
Physiologists call it projection, where what you see in others, you are being critical of within yourself. I like to call it mirroring. I think that this can be used as a tool to learn, grow and heal yourself. In doing so, you end up showing as a more compassionate and understanding mom.
The good news is that once you start noticing patterns in your judgmental thoughts, then you can clean it up more quickly. So how do you release those judgmental thoughts?
Awareness
This is the first step to everything I teach. You have to become of your thinking. But we always tend to go and judge ourselves for those judgmental thoughts. See them as they are, just thoughts. Judging yourself for having those thoughts will keep you stuck in the loop of shame and despair. Notice those thoughts with compassion and be curious about them.
If you find yourself thinking, “there is that woman again, I can’t believe she is treating her kids like that again!” Instead of criticizing yourself and think that you are horrible person for thinking that, I like to slow it down and think “isn’t it interesting how I’m thinking that. I wonder what’s going on here?”
Keeping your mind in judgment will always keep you closed and not able to see the possibilities and different perspectives. Being compassionate and curious, helps us be open to other ways of understanding. Shame really likes to hide, so shine some light on it.
Take it further
You can make a list of all the qualities in one person that you are being judgmental towards and ask yourself the hard question: What is this possibly pointing to in my own life? How is this judgment a possible reflection of my own fears and judgments of myself?
After you have done that, see if you can find a thought that will help you accept that part of yourself as you are now. If you can respect yourself, imperfections and all, how would it make a difference in your life? Would that acceptance extend to the other people you are judging?
This is very deep work to do on yourself, but you do not have to do it alone. If you need help applying this to your own life, sign up for a free mini session to help you see the areas where you are stuck.
Nothing is going to change unless you start taking action. Now is the time mama.
What’s next? Watch the video for this week on the three steps to ending judgements.
