What happens in a fight? It is a series of triggers. The first person may start to feel misunderstood about a certain topic that is being discussed and then the second person might get defensive and accuse the 1st person of being “dramatic.” The first person gets triggered by the word “dramatic” because they might be making it mean all sort of other things about themselves. And on and on it continues into this huge pile of a mess to try to deal with later. No wonder we try to avoid the initial triggering conversation! We may think that it is just two people speaking about a certain subject when in reality it is two people talking about a circumstance based on their own separate realities. Those realities that are based in their own individual thought patterns and past.
So today, I would like to talk about three factors to help you understand WHY you are being triggered and some concrete ways on HOW to apply these tools and move you forward in your life.
It is not surprising that we do end up being triggered very easily in a relationship because it is an emotional attachment to another person that has us more likely to react in a relationship.
In order to develop a more honest relationship or be more compassionate in a relationship it is imperative that we look at the roots of our negative thoughts and feelings.
Core beliefs
The first element to consider to help you understand and overcome your triggers in marriage are your core beliefs. The root cause of an argument or trigger. A way to really find out your own core belief is to keep asking yourself the question of “what am I making this mean?” Because there is the surface issue that is happening and then there are the underlying issues underneath the surface issue. It is important to know here that it is never the surface issue that is bothering us but (here is the moment where you really lean in and listen) but it is always our thoughts about the surface issue.
This is good news because that means that we can always change our perspective.
Once we shift our perspective then we can really minimize our emotional pain and start focusing on the solution to the issue instead of playing tug or war.
If your initial thought is “he is so annoying” and you ask yourself the question of “what am I making this mean?” then your another thought might come to the surface of “he must think I am stupid.” Digging deeper and asking yourself what that means the underlying layer for that is the core belief of some version of “I am inadequate” or “I am unworthy.”
What if your initial thought is “I can’t believe he wants to talk about this again, he is being so selfish!” If you dig deeper and ask yourself what you are making that thought mean you might find that the deeper level is the thought “we cannot work this out” digging a layer deeper with asking yourself the same question you might find that the core belief might be “I am a failure” or “I am not good enough.”
It is not the thinking that is the problem here but the brains tendency to lean into a negativity bias and filter everything through a negative dark filter. That is the issue here. No one likes to be ignored but our brain tends to like to have an automatic go-to hidden meaning that we make mean something about ourselves that makes us not communicate in a calm way.
Our actions are fueled by that inner dialogue that we have going on instead of anything that is really happening in front of us.
If our behaviors are fueled by our negative core beliefs then instead of us saying “hey, you know, it really bothers me that you do this when you said that you will do this” we tend to say “why do you ignore me!” Right?
Which brings me to the second element to look at when wanting to overcome and understand your triggers in marriage and that is the area of your attachment history.
Attachment History
The story that you say to yourself about your childhood and the attachment that you experienced growing up has a lot to do with your triggers. The way that relationships were modeled for us as children really gives us a working model to work from in our own relationships. They influence us and our thought patters. They influence our stories. They form our core beliefs. And most of all they influence our thoughts about other people.
The attachment theory goes, that if you have had a secure attachment to a caregiver then you felt seen and heard.
You formed a secure base that you can keep coming back to.
If you grew up with secure attachment then you are more likely to give the other person space when they need it and not make it mean anything about you.
I will say that no one has a “perfect” childhood. But just like too much of a good thing is not healthy, too much of a bad thing is not healthy either. So if you grew up without a secure attachment and were in an anxious environment or have had parents that were intermittently available, you did not feel seen or heard, or even soothed as a child. Maybe you had to take certain action to be seen or be heard by your parents. Maybe you learned that their love was conditional unless you acted a certain way or performed in a certain way.
Which will lead you to keep wondering about your partner and keep asking for reassurance from them.
You will be more inclined to be operating out of the feeling of desperation or jealousy or maybe even being possessive or controlling.
Insecure attachments have us acting in specific ways based on where the core belief was formed and in what circumstance. Sometimes it may have us trying to fit our husband into an identity that we formed from our family patterns. Sometimes even reacting in ways that we did as children. Sometimes maybe recreating the dynamics and being the circumstance sort of being a self fulfilling prophecy.
We may find ourselves saying something in our own minds like “see I knew he was like that” when our husband does act in ways that our parents did.
Digging into this part of yourself might be hard for some people. So it is important to know that you do not have to do this alone, especially if you do have childhood issues. I strongly encourage you to look into either talking to a therapist or working with a coach to become aware of the stories you keep repeating in your own mind.
Primary Emotions
The third area to look at in order to overcome your triggers and understand your triggers is the area of your primary emotions. Your primary emotion is that emotion that comes us initially. But so many of us are not even aware of that primary emotion and then we act from our secondary emotion. So for example, if you are having a discussion with your spouse about a topic and he ignores you then you might feel angry. But underneath that is the primary emotion that you are experiencing which is vulnerability. It takes vulnerability to be open and honest in a conversation sometimes but if you have a history of your family always ignoring you when you were talking and then your spouse does it during the conversation, it might be a huge trigger for you.
If our primary emotion is shame or hurt, to face those feelings is even more painful and hurtful so we tend to react instead from our secondary emotions.
It may take some digging again to look at your primary emotion and know that maybe it is a clue to what your own needs are.
Let’s go back to the ignoring example, and if your primary emotion if vulnerability, that emotion may give you a clue to your need of feeling seen and heard.
Again, this is where a lot of deep work can happen, and it might take some support along the way to unpack that, this is where coaching can really be helpful. Because so many of us where taught to not even feel any emotions. That emotions were bad. When we take a chance sometimes and reveal our primary emotion to our partner, it may open up an opportunity for them to know us on a deeper level. Instead of an automatic reaction to a trigger, we can allow ourselves to feel the emotion, process the emotion and maybe even learn something about ourselves in the process.
Final note
I really want you to think about a top that triggers your in a marriage. Some common ones are topics of:
Chores
Intimacy
In-laws
Parenting
Discipline
Money
Once you have that in your mind get specific about the last time you were triggered and identify for yourself what your thought pattern was and get curious. Try to really neutralize the circumstance and separate those thoughts from the facts. See if you are able to identify the primary emotion and able to process it. See if you can have compassion for your past and your core beliefs. Then brainstorm ways that you can show up in the same circumstance in a way that is not triggering.
It may be as simple as pausing and breathing.
Maybe it is communicating with your husband ahead of time what you are trying that is new because you feel triggered so much of the time.
Maybe it is neutralizing the circumstance and brainstorming with your partner what everyones responsibilities are.
Once you are able to be honest with yourself know that it is not about never disagreeing with your spouse. But it is about trying to function more from your prefrontal cortex (where you have access to the rational part of your brain) instead of being in the automatic fight or flight response that we may be so used to.
This is some deep work here.
If you need more help with your own relationship and trying to move into more understanding and peace, grab the relationship training I have here.
