I hear a lot of the times from women that I talk to that they do not feel as much anger and resentment build up in their lives as they do within their relationships that are particularly close to them. And lets face it, trying to stay sane within motherhood and within marriage is difficult.
And this makes sense right? It is difficult to face our challenges because it shines light on our vulnerabilities and feelings that we might not have expected.
Our interactions reveal who we really are deep down inside.
There is nothing like our relationships that show us if we really do think that patience is a virtue or how much we value compassion.
Relationships remind us of sides of ourselves that we might be able to escape in other situations.
Closeness may bring up anxieties for us that may cause us to revert back into our crab shell and withdraw.
These challenges are especially exacerbated when we cling to unrealistic expectations. I think this topic is really important because it is so easy to develop unrealistic expectations that put unnecessary pressure on the people that we care about but also it doesn’t help or serve us when we let go of all expectations.
I think that it is really important to find a healthy balance when we do set expectations and really look at what the relationship and the person is willing to offer and adjust our expectations based on that.
It may be healthy for me to expect my husband to talk to me and listen to me when I communicate to him that I just want to vent BUT it is unrealistic for me to expect him to do that all the time, especially in certain seasons of life.
it may be healthy for me to expect my kids to do the chores they said they were going to BUT it may be unrealistic for me to expect me to do them all the time without needing my help of guidance on occasion.
It is important to find some balance in order for the relationship to grow and flourish. So lets talk about…
High expectations
I will be raising my hand here when I ask “did you go into your marriage or parenting with high expectations?” Many can relate. Its totally normal for us to have some expectations when it comes to our lives. But having high expectations can quickly turn into almost perfectionistic standards.
For ourselves and others.
I had expectations that my marriage was going to be this perfect marriage. That we would somehow never argue. Or that we will magically communicate assertively without me putting in any work into it.
I also held those expectations for my kids. I expected them to never make mistakes. For them to be considerate right off the bat and just KNOW how to resolve sibling fights.
Maybe you can picture this in your own life. Looking at maybe your friendships or in-laws or parents. Do you expect perfections from others around you? Maybe without ever really talking about your expectations.
This sort of pressure is tiering. Right? How can it not be?
This is why I spend so much of my own time being down or sad or disappointed. I was holding on to my own manual for people in my life. Sort of like me saying “haven’t you seen page 32 of the manual here? You are supposed to do this not that!” We all sort of build these manuals in our lives for others right?
Sort of like the manual for the car you drive.
And when something goes wrong with the car you refer back to the manual and say “oh no! this is not supposed to be happening, lets take it to the mechanic to get fixed!” Except that we do this with the people in our lives. “Oh no, there is something wrong with the car (the person) and they need to be fixed.”
Having high expectations can build over into your life as well not only people. Like your future for example. Or motherhood. Or your career or business.
I expected that my marriage would be happily ever after, or that my kids would have certain personalities.
I wanted to have mom friends in which or friends would get along and our relationships flourished beautifully and we would only get closer and closer together.
Let’s just say that all those expectations were way too high. And instead of helping find true connections and build lasting relationships, they did the exact opposite. When I kept referring back to my manual for life and other people it left me acting in a way that was not who I was, all for the sake of keeping true to a rule book, and I think that the pressure that I created for my husband and my kids left them pushing me away or avoiding me.
Low Expectations
After saying all of that, you might be thinking that we should just drop all expectations. And while looking into expectations themselves, I did find a lot of advice out there that does suggest that we should drop or start letting go of expectations in order for us to let others live their lives and be themselves.
But I do not think that this is the answer.
Expectations can be helpful in many ways.
For example, looking at your marriage, having clear expectations for your husband to treat you with respect and consider your opinions as well is fundamental to developing a healthy marriage. Maybe having expectations for yourself as well to have respect for your kids or your spouse is important also. Having expectations from your husband or your kids to be honest with you can be helpful in you learning to trust the relationship.
This is where I think that having expectations can really serve us. Yes those people still have a free will and will do what they choose to do but we also deserve to be treated well and its fair to expect that.
Expectations can provide growth within life. Both for yourself and others.
If you expect yourself and others in your family to start communicating in an assertive way then it can be beneficial for everyone as you try to set up your home to be Christ like.
Managing Expectations
When looking at expectations I think we may look at some of these tips and start to be really honest with our lives and the relationships in our lives and start to manage those expectations.
1. Assertiveness and Compassion
People are not mind readers. My husband the other day told me that he wishes he was reading my mind but in the end he needs me to tell him certain expectations. If you think about it, he is right. We have expectations and we think that its common sense, like putting towels in the hamper after showers, but the people in our lives just do not know our manuals.
So yes, it may seem like common sense but communicating assertively and compassionately is what we can really start to practice.
“The towel is on the bed, I am noticing that this is happening for the third time this week, I get the sense that it might be difficult to try to remember to do this but its a problem for me because I find that it adds a lot to my own work load. What can we do here? Do you need a reminder until this is a habit? Whats your solution?”
“Hey teenager of mine, I see how you started to smoke cigarettes now, thats interesting. Its understandable that you find how it might have you connect with your friends, or that it takes a little bit of stress off maybe, and I’m just curious about how you see your life later down the line if you continue to smoke? Is that who you want to be? Well, this is a problem for me because I do not smoke and am not ok with it stinking up my house. So, if you do choose that for your future, its not ok in this house.”
Expectations can be helpful and healthy when we learn to express them clearly and with room for discussions.
2. Flexibility
When I was doing my coach training, the point that was emphasized was how the framework for a coaching session can be given to us and all the tools can be given to us but it’s important for us to be flexible.
Some of our expectations can sound so nice like, “I just want him to communicate,” or “I just want him to stop drinking.” Those are all great things to expect and want but its also important to remain flexible. We are all just doing our best with the tools that we have.
Its tempting to share tools to better someone else life that we know have bettered our own lives, but what if they are not ready? What if we just need to love them through a certain phase?
I know that during certain seasons, its harder for my husband to held around the house because he has travels and many services to do. So I have to remain flexible and open to other options for my own mom sanity.
During a certain time of my kids lives or seasons, it is harder to keep my expectations so high when it comes to school work for example. When there is a new baby in a house then expectations change. But its important to be ok with letting or adjusting some of those expectations.
Sometimes we do find compromises that might even work out better.
3. Identify
My last tip to expectations is to really identify your own unrealistic expectations and work on letting them go.
For example, I used to get really anxious in a time of change. Whenever we added a baby to the mix I expected my recovery and support to go the same as the last postpartum time. So it was an unrealistic expectation of how things are always the same with every child. Which it never really is.
Sometimes, I notice expectations that I might find for a day being a certain way to be unrealistic. Like right now, as I am getting ready to record some YOUTUBE talks, it is not warm outside. We have a house full of homeschooling and kids. I expected my day to go a certain way but I have done this enough times, where I identify that expectation for my day or my kids and I practice to think thoughts that have me feeling acceptance.
My point is, unrealistic expectations can be identified and we can learn to let them go by focusing accepting on things being the way that they are. There is no point in fighting reality of what is happening, because we create so much emotional pain for ourselves because of it.
Identifying which thoughts are causing your unrealistic expectations can be hard to do, especially if you are new to this sort of work. So I invite you to check out the FREE self coaching printout you can get that really helps you identify those thoughts and replace them with thoughts that will help you feel an emotion that keeps you moving forward instead of stuck.
Which expectations are you committed to letting go? Which one is important to you to keep?
Let me know down in the comments below.
Take good care of yourself mama.
Bye.
