We have all been there. I know you have also. Short tempered. Irritable. Enraged at your kids maybe? There you go with loosing your temper with your kids. Maybe you yelled. Maybe you criticized.
No matter how hard you try, you keep falling back into the same old habit of anger.
You do not want to be that “angry mom” but in the moment, it just happens.
You know its bad for your relationship. Maybe your kid’s disobedience triggered an unpleasant memory or feelings on not being worthy. Maybe there was a stressful day you were dealing with or became so tired from taking care of everyone else all day. You blew up.
Everyone has feelings of anger they have from time to time. It’s not really useful to have around but it’s just there. Anger is part of our nature and signals when problems need to be addressed. But very easily can the feeling of anger cause a problem, right? Dealing with anger is very possible. When you tame that anger monster, a lot of the time, your family life will feel a whole lot better.
Anger Style
What’s your style of anger? In a book Letting Go of Anger, authors Ron and Potter-Efron state that there are different ways of handling anger when it comes up. The most common ones are ones called Masked style and the Explosive style. An easy way to see them is the passive and aggressive styles.
Passive Anger
Masked anger or passive anger is generally people who avoid anger at all cost. Sometimes growing up with parents that made them feel bad for their emotions and they quickly learned that anger can be a sort of a scary or bad thing. Maybe they grew up in a household where parents were aggressive. These people steer clear of conflict or have trouble saying no to others because they fear that they will be disliked by their peers. Sometimes they feel resentful and start people pleasing leading them to be taken for granted.
When dealing with this type of anger, psychologist John Bradshaw compares this to holding a beach ball under water. Eventually the anger rises to the surface and breaks through. Sometimes though it comes out as rage, a good example of this is when you try to not loose your cool with your kids all day and then one thing makes you snap. It can also develop into some sort of depression or physical pain.
Aggressive Anger
Also known as explosive anger, and this one is the common one that you probably think of when you think about anger. Exploders yell. They are also very bossy, or loud and pushy. They tend to react more than they respond and use their position as an authority to intimidate. They keep a safe distance to avoid getting hurt but also tend to attack others to make sure that they are in a safe distance. Being around people that have explosive anger makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells around them all day in fear that they might just explode on you.
Assertive Anger
Assertive or healthy anger is expressed in a healthy way. It can be expressed with honesty and calm, also can be expressed while being respectful towards others. To people that express anger in an assertive way, anger is a signal of a problem that needs to be solved and they feel motivated to take action to solve this issue. Once the issue is resolved, they most likely will not keep the anger around anymore because they release the anger instead.
Which one are you?
Avoider – Instead of stuffing down your feelings like a beach ball, express them in an honest and respectful way. For example if your child walks in an interrupts you while you are talking to someone, instead of just not saying anything and letting out a big sigh you can say, “Please wait your turn to talk to me, I am talking with someone right now.”
Avoiders tend to feel uneasy when someone gets upset. Giving into your children demands just because you do not know how they will react or are afraid of their reactions teaches them that they are the ones in control, not you. Your children are allowed to be upset, they will have their share of negative emotions in life also. As you begin to tolerate your kids emotions and have it not mean anything about you, they will learn to tolerate feeling disappointed or frustrated.
Exploder – Just because your child is trying to get into a power struggle it does not mean that you have to engage in it or accept it. Often times kids say things to us that is very hurtful. I know some things my own kids have said to me, literally made me cry, but that is just an invitation to a power struggle.
Do not take the bait! It really does not help to get into a screaming match or react from anger back. It really does not serve you in any way. If you are an exploder, often times it helps to practice scenarios ahead of time. Have a thought that will be your go-to thought ahead of time, so you can practice it before you reach the land of fight or flight.
Spend more time on learning tools that make you show up how you want to show up instead of trying to think of ways on how to control your kids. Be respectful of your kids and their own individuals and ask for what you need instead of intimidating them into submission. Kids that are confident and feel like they are respected and loved unconditionally are more likely to cooperate and model that respect back.
Self Care
When you feel like your own cup is full then you do not feel resentful and are more able to give to the people around you. While baths and manicures are great, your own mental self care should be part of the process. Self care also does not have to be extravagant. Often times if you have really young kids around, I always advice to be more consistent in doing something for a shorter amount of time instead of it being extravagant.
See this article on morning self care routine for a busy mom.
If you feel like you have been loosing it at your kids, more often than not, I invite you to check out this free 8 min video training on ending mama meltdowns.
Click here for instant access of the training.
What’s next…? Watch the Youtube video on 6 simple steps on to keep calm next time you loose your cool.
