Our kids have a lot to deal with in the world today. In order for them to stand up for what they believe in, they will need some confidence. But how can we foster that confidence naturally? Is it possible for our children to become confident and stand up agains the influences that might impact them in a negative way?
As mothers, we have a tremendous responsibility.
We definitely can foster that confidence in the home because that is the ground work for any values we try to pass on to our children.
(If you would rather watch the Youtube video on confident kids, click here)
Tremendous Influence
As parents, we have tremendous influence over our children’s mindsets. But the first thing to consider is how you are modeling self confidence for your children. So many times, it is easy for our own inner critic to come out in front of our kids and before we know it, that is their inner dialogue.
We are all a work in progress.
Are you modeling that you are ok with that 50/50 part of your personality? It is tempting to just appear that we are perfect in front of our kids. That we do not make mistakes. But I urge you to not be shy in appearing “weak” in front of your kids.
Instead, your weaknesses create opportunities for your kids to really SEE how to handle themselves in situations. They will learn how to take care of themselves by seeing what you do. They will also learn that self talk, as they see you talking to yourself.
Some things to consider then are:
- Are you putting yourself down in front of your kids?
- Are you putting yourself up in a very prideful (the “Im better than you”) sort of way?
- Are you modeling for them how to reply to issues with a growth mindset?
It all starts with the home. As you can see self confidence for your kids ties closely with self confidence you have within yourself.
Comparing
If you have more than one child, it is very tempting to compare. You see one child doing extremely well and the other child doing poor in an area. Comparing might seem like a good idea, but it actually has the opposite effect when it comes to confidence.
When you compare children, you are saying that the child with the lesser ability is somehow inadequate. That they should somehow be a certain way than they are right now.
In reality, all of us have unique qualities about us. Those qualities are very different. Even our weaknesses, when we are aware of them, can be used in a good way.
Much like Tigger, in Winnie the Pooh, did not know his limitations and got stuck in a tree. But when Rabbit wanted to get rid of Tigger because of his bounce, Rabbit s the one that got lost in the forest. And who comes to find him? Tigger of course, because Tiggers never get lost in forests.
Name Calling
Avoid giving labels to your child. We label them as being a certain way and that dialogue becomes part of their identity. So stop labeling your child as lazy, or irritating or irresponsible or stupid. The will identify as that person, which really does not build there confidence. Instead it puts them in a Fixed Mindset Box which is really hard to get out of when they are older.
Focus on the solutions that can come from the issue at hand instead of labeling your child.
Instead of seeing your child as BEING the problem, see them as HAVING a problem. Work together to see if there is a win-win solution for both of you. Have a common goal for a peaceful and respectful home so that you can help them come up with solutions along the way to their weaknesses.
You can create the awareness for those weak points, but not identify them as those weak points.
Praise
There is a lot of work by Dan Siegal about how the child’s brain works. One book he wrote about praising your children, he states that we should avoid praising your children. Specifically, not praising them in generic ways.
“You are such a great artist!”
“I am proud of you.”
“You are such a great climber.”
He states that when you praise children in a way that is generic, you will raise “praise junkies.” Children that want to be praised just because they want validation from you.
Instead, when praising your child, see if you can find the specific thing that you like the most about their work OR how much of an effort they put in.
“Wow that is such a beautiful flower you drew!”
“You sure worked hard on that Lego set, and it really paid off.”
“You put in the hard work on that project, you must be proud of yourself.”
The praise there is very different, as you can see, then the generic praise that we are so accustomed to hearing.
Listening
Sometimes, we really do not want to listen to our children. After all, they are children! They just don’t know better. Why should we listen, we are the parents! But I invite you to really consider giving your child the same respect as you would an adult.
We often forget that our children are also very human. They make mistakes. Sometimes I want my own kids to have impulse control down and conquered when I have not even mastered it myself.
Yes developmentally they are all in different stages. But that does not mean that we should belittle them and talk down to them because they have healthy kids brains that are developing.
It is a very good habit to get into while your kids are young. To start to listen to them. Really listen. Not in a “I just want to prove my point here after they are done, cause they have no idea what they are talking about” sort of way. If you open up and start listening to them, you will be amazed at what opens up for you.
They will also feel like they are heard and really develop confidence in themselves because of it.
Special Time
Weather you have one child or more than one, I urge you to spend some one-on-one time with them. Special time opens up opportunities for connection. The more connected your child feels, the less meltdowns and connecting they will need.
You start first, do not just let it be another thing to check off on your list.
There has to be a willingness on your part to show up for your child and connect with them. It does not have to be anything fancy. So many times, I thought that special time had to be this extraordinary event. That is not the case. One hour, playing board games with no iPhone around to post your special time pictures to.
Our children know when you are truly present with them or off in your own thoughts about how you don’t want to be there or even how you “should” do this. There is no “should” but more your own willingness to show up.
Let them lead.
If you are finding yourself in overwhelm land as a mama, and do not feel like you even want to be present with your kids, I invite you to check out the free training that I have on ending your own version of a mama meltdown.
