What exactly is a hard conversation with your kids? It is really your thoughts about the conversation or your thoughts about the subject you are having the conversations about. It can even include your thoughts about the person you are having the conversation with that causes you to have some resistance or negative emotions around. When you start having feelings of anxiety or frustrations or being uncomfortable, that is when we start having what we think will be a hard conversation.
For me, I personally think that talks about parenting struggles and kids is really a no big deal. Other parents on the other hand might feel embarrassed to have that same conversation. One person getting feedback from an in law might find it helpful, while another might see it as hurtful. If I know that a friend might have a reaction like sadness or anger in a conversation I might consider a conversation with that particular person harder than others.
How we view conflict, in general, plays a very important role in how we view these conversations. Having conflicts in our lives is a normal part of being a human being. That is part of the contrast that we get in life. Conflicts happens when two people have different perspectives and opinions. Sometimes, being in a conflict with another person pulls up certain emotions for us like anger or hurt.
But understanding that emotions are just a vibration in your body, which are caused by our thoughts, can help you not be so afraid of them.
When you specifically try to avoid hard conversations because you are afraid of feeling a feeling, it can actually make the conflict worse. It can drag it on longer than it need to go on for and drag on the emotions that go with it.
Having hard conversations can actually strengthen your relationships with your children or others. Conversations that seem hard can bring you together. The better you get at managing your own thoughts and feelings about an issue, the easer the conversations will get.
Within my own life, I have definitely seen this become true since learning these skills. Not to say that I never experience discomfort or negative emotion. But it is way easier to manage since knowing these skills.
One thing that is very common to do is to go and have a conversation with another person that might or not be involved in the conflict. You might do what is called “story fondling” where you almost want to justify your actions and points of view. And this is a pretty immature way of dealing with conflict. While it is ok to confide in a friend about a problem you might be having, you will benefit more from having mature conversations and dealing with people directly.
Many conversations can be made easier by preparing for them ahead of time. If you know your teen is having an ongoing issue or your spouse is playing way too many video games lately. You can prepare how you want to show up to that conversation. Sometimes you can even do some self coaching to where you do not even need to have the conversation at all. When you are operating out of negative emotions, you are more likely to not have the conversation you want. Feelings that you want to might want to try on in hard conversations are, love, compassion, curiosity, kindness, openness and cooperation.
Something else to consider is to ask yourself what is the actual goal of the conversation. Make sure you like your reasons for it. If it is to have the other person change their behaviors than that is a really hard thing to do. If your goal is to change someone to feel better yourself, then you might be disappointed. Or is it to genuinely to find out solutions to a problem? Other peoples behaviors and choices are really out of your control. While you can set boundaries and make requests of other people, know your own reasons and know that others can still make their own choices.
Know that it is up to you about what you make that mean.
We often want to be right all the time as if our survival depended on it. We play the victim card and be stubborn instead of looking for another solution. There is no benefit to being right. It only creates more tension. This doesn’t mean that you are wrong, but just that you give up this idea that you have to be right.
While having the conversation, take responsibility for how you feel. Not how they behaved or how they feel, but how you feel. Other people cannot make you feel anything. It is always your thoughts about it.
Get clear about the story that you are stuck with. What have you made out to be true that are just your thoughts about it. What have you made it mean about the other persons intentions or their perspective. We love to tell ourselves stories and really believe that they are true. Then when we end up having a conversations then none of it is how we imagined.
When having a difficult conversation, try to get to a place of curiosity first. We can always get to curiosity. Love and acceptance may be hard to get to, but curiosity is always available. Ask questions about their opinions and their views. See where they are coming from. You may find yourself getting defensive as they are talking, especially when they might be blaming you for something, just breathe. Have a go-to thought like “all this is them just sharing their opinion with me, it doesn’t mean anything until I add meaning to it.”
The reason why we have a conflict is because of all sentences in your brain and the sentences in their brains. Facts are just neutral. They are just there until we add meaning to them. When I coach people, I always tell them to get facts to be very specific. Something that can be proven in the court of law, that everyone can agree on.
Husband plays video games 5 hrs.
Teen said “I hate you.”
Kids did not put dishes in the sink.
Identify the facts that you can agree on, so you can find some common ground. Finding things to agree on, gets you both on a partial same page.
Talk about how both of you think about the facts. What are you both making those facts mean. Once you identify how you think about a circumstance, then you can start coming up with solutions.
“Maybe we can put on some music while we all clean”
“What if you play video games later on to unwind?”
It is important to note here that some issues will involve multiple conversations. But each time you show up how you want to, the stronger your relationship with the other person will become.
If you are having trouble showing up how you want to show up in your motherhood, I invite you to take the free mini trainings on how to stop reacting and start connecting with your kiddos so you can thrive in your life.
What’s next? Watch the Youtube video on the 5 ways to be an approachable parent.
