Nagging, complaining and power struggles are all part of the territory when you are dealing with kids and chores. It is tiring. So how does a mama get her kids to copy with chores and not feel like all those things?
Well let me just say here that you are not alone. But I can also say that there definitely does not need to be any unnecessary drama around chores in your home. Here are a few suggestions to re-frame your thinking around chores so the whole process can go more smoothly for everyone.
Replace the word “chore”
The word chore literally means “an unpleasant but necessary task,” that states resistance all around it. Even saying the work really does not cause a happy feeling. Amy McCready, a parenting expert suggests referring to these tasks as “family contributions” instead of chores.
Using some version of “family contributions” sounds so much nicer, doesn’t it? I refer to mine as family jobs. A big part of our family life is to help out around the home. Stating household tasks that need to be completed as jobs, helps to teach your child that helping each other out is part of what it means to be in your family.
Teaching your child the importance of teamwork, helps them build problem solving skills as well as meeting their need for competence as they use their talents to help contribute to the family in a significant way.
Age Appropriate Expectations
If you are setting the bar too high and your child does not know how to accomplish the task, it may leave them feeling frustrated and they might abandon the task altogether. Meet your child where they are developmentally as well as how proficient they are at that skill in order to build confidence. Use encouragement to build on their self esteem. First, show your child how to do the task. Next, do the task with them. Then, see if they can do the task by themselves.
For kids under five, you can begin with the most basic responsibilities such as:
- cleaning up toys
- feeding pets
- cleaning up after dinner
- putting away laundry
- putting dirty clothes into the washer
As they start getting older, you can add more complicated tasks such as:
- sweeping
- loading/unloading the dishwasher
- walking the dog
- cooking
- taking out the trash
- setting the table
Have realistic expectations, just because your child has see you do the tasks, it does not mean that they are capable of doing them by themselves and how you want them done. Take your time to teach them the new skills by being patient. They will most likely not do the task how you want to or when you want them to, but that is ok. The main goal is for them to feel a sense of pride when doing a new task, and feel like they are contributing to the family unit. It does not have to be perfect.
Routine
Many parenting experts will agree that making the jobs part of the routine is what helps the tasks get done. I use the when-then approach when it comes to getting tasks done, so my kids will know that responsibility before play.
- WHEN you clean up THEN you can watch a show
- WHEN we finish sweeping THEN you can play
- WHEN you brush your teeth THEN we can read a book
It has to be worth it for them when using this technique so it gets them motivated to get the task done. If they choose not to do the task then make sure it does not effect your mood. If they try to go into a power struggle then with a calm voice simply repeat your statement. There is no need to fight over it. Be firm and follow through. When you are consistent with how you act and by what you say, it will build authority and credibility.
Checklist
Since kids have the tendency to forget, having a written out checklist or pictures of the tasks might be helpful. Write out a list of things your child is responsible for and what the consequence will be if they do not complete the task.
Hand the checklist in a place for everyone to see. Once in a while, reassess the checklist to see if it is working for you or if you need to adjust the tasks on the list.
Gratitude
Show your gratitude towards your child when they do complete the task. We all want to feel like what we do is valued by others. If you are working on a project at work, it feels nice when your boss notices it and expresses gratitude. When you work hard at home it still feels nice when your spouse expresses gratitude.
You do not want to raise a people pleaser who needs others approval to feel good, expressing gratitude can motivate them to do more and reinforces the desired behavior.
How can this be fun?
When the house is a mess sometimes, I put on some music and we all have a dance party. Cleaning does not have to be a chore. Set a timer and see who can beat the timer and clean up as much as possible within the time set. By making jobs fun, it won’t seem like a big deal. Things get done faster somehow when there is fun involved.
This does take a mindset shift sometimes, but is well worth it especially if you are stuck in a cleaning rut. Before approaching a task, ask yourself “how can this be fun?”
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